Victoria
When I heard you were hospital bound
on an ambulance I had shot out of a canon
I was gunpowder smoke
I lingered in manhattan
pulling heart strings across the east river
so you’d stay alive to the beat
while I was dancing
and on my way home
I remember balling up anxious
and pitching it to any god i had ignored
to put the wind at my back
and into your lungs
so we could stir up the leaves
with our cyclones
Nanny,
our eyes never met
without starting a fire
and my tears never fell
when you were catching
so i tried not to cry
while i made my way home
– stay positive
they all said
though the only thing i was sure of
was that I hid the weight of oceans in my eyes
a giant arc in my heart
and 2 of each memory for each moment she lived
so when the flood came
nothing would be lost this time
I waited by your side
cracking jokes while you slept
so my laugh was on your ears
should you wake up without a smile on your face
and after the doctors and your children left
I stayed
and like our sleepovers
you slept first
just to encourage me to do the same
but i stayed up
taking your pulse from across the room
hoping you wouldn’t put me out of a job
I wondered what dreams
death’s eve brought you
wrapped in a hospital gown
how many memories did you unwrap that night
while sleeping
was it christmas morning
going through summers
you had previously forgotten
were they presents for you
like they were for me?
and as the night went on
the hospital became hair triggers
under tightly packed guns
it felt like everything ran on generators
my whispers were booming
and my thoughts were crumbling
under possibilities but
I couldn’t cry if
i was drawing
so i made murals
on our wrists
i put on songs you knew
or songs i’ve sung before
and finally slept
once 36 straight hours of worry
caught up with me
i shut my eyes
and met you there
an empty hospital wing
filled with dreamers
couldn’t parallel the hallways
i was running through for you
sitting with my arms crossed
at the foot of your bed
i set heavy eyes
on shallow breaths
until they stopped
and I held your neck
as you opened your eyes
like fireworks
with an 85 year fuse
you were leaving the atmosphere
while i was collecting your ozone
the nurses cried
just watching me lose myself
in a handful of screaming cheeks
but once they left
i held your hand
told you everything you already knew
squeezed your hand
to remember the feeling
of safety
while I crashed
and when dad arrived minutes later
he said I was your rock
you said
I was your sunshine
and nanny I promise
all i’ve ever lived for
was to hold you down
and all i ever plan to do
is keep shining
